I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. – Rod Schmidt

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant

You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? – W. Clement Stone

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. – Erma Bombeck